I’m a Woman Transformed by Chris Ball

Now...

I’m a woman transformed.

Love + empathy + compassion + acceptance _> hate + fear + derision + manipulation

I’m a woman fed (and driven) by peace and calm. I’m strong and whole.

(and no amount of your shouting/blaming/hating/hitting/delaying/revenging tactics can take that from me. You don’t want to pay child support? Ok! You don’t want to wash clothes? No problem! You don’t want to speak peacefully and with respect? I can’t change that, but you don’t get to me anymore)

YOU’RE NO LONGER AN INFLUENCE IN MY LIFE. YOU ARE ONLY A SMALL, BUZZING FLY THAT ANNOYS ME FROM TIME TO TIME. YOU ONLY EVER GOT YOUR POWER FROM ME (you have no power) I CHOOSE NOT TO EMPOWER YOUR SAD, SORRY AND ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR

I AM IN MY POWER AND I DON’T RECOGNISE YOU IN MY LIFE

thank you for taking me on this journey of discovery. i am a bigger and better person than ever

In the beginning...

Pregnant. Contemplating choices. (Remember when it felt like you had choices?) (get rid of it). A booked abortion cancelled. Another one, cancelled. An emotional and heartbreaking spiritual ceremony to farewell this soul with a heartbeat, deeply embedded in me, feeling like a star-studded portal to the Universe and Its oneness (can’t bring myself to say the words “goodbye”). A tear-drenched decision (not even a decision) to ‘keep’ that soul, and a commitment to do my best by it. All my heart-soul-being-energy transforming into love and joy and pouring into this new little baby inside.

(So innocent! No idea then, none, (not even an inkling of an awareness!) of what a complex web of terror, manipulation, pursuit and fear-confusion-frustration-pain (so much pain) could be created and imposed. Sigh. Oh, to have that innocence back...).

Erosion of self...

Small words: “we can’t afford that”, “you need to work more”, “if only you were different” crept in around “I love you and will never leave you”, and the uncomfortable feeling-voice (pit of the stomach, such a loud clear message now, why (WHY!?) didn’t I hear it then?), (mis)identified as: ‘this man is vulnerable and seeks to feel validated’. Back then, I was a strong woman, with love to spare and confidence to burn. In giving, I assumed your vulnerability would dissipate. You took my freely offered love and confidence. It didn’t come back. And your ‘vulnerability’ got louder. (So much shouting!) More love given. (Taken.) Taken, and transformed... (“you always ruin things,” “why can’t you see why you’re to blame,” “you think you’re so great,” “you won’t ever change,” “you need to change,”)

Envelopes of obsessive expressions of love enclosed hate-words, hate feelings. Inside me, a thorny, prickly, hard to explain, out of control, scrambled-eggs brain feeling (such a clear message NOW, but why (WHY!?) couldn’t I understand it then?).

LOUD! (So loud!) LOUDER! (A broken chair). IT HURTS! (Dragged, screaming). LET ME OUT! (Where would you go? You can’t leave me. I’ll follow you wherever you go). LET ME OUT! (A blocked doorway, a raised fist). BLACKNESS...............

crying → confusion → trying → hoping → denial → crying (SO LOUD!) → resignation → crying

And then...

POLICE! (I need help to get him out!) thinking that I’ll be free, that this will end, that your rage will stop. SO WRONG. THINGS GOT SO MUCH WORSE. TWO WHOLE YEARS OF.......

Fear

Disempowerment 

Bullying

Vexatious (mis)use of the legal system

Emotional abuse

Financial abuse

Vitriol

Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaustion.....

You were stronger and more manipulative than I gave you credit for. You systematically took advantage of every organisation set up to protect against family violence. Your lies and manipulation led to: a Police family violence being order taken out against me; five court appearances (me as the respondent) in 12 months; me being unable to leave the state; me feeling emotionally exhausted and constantly concerned for the well-being of our incredibly resilient and lovely son.

But your abuse has led me to a better place. I am supported in sisterhood by many strong and passionate women. My son is growing into an emotionally sensitive and empathetic person. Your behaviour has led me to feminism, which enriches my life. I have changed my career and now dedicate myself to promoting peace and well-being. I have you to thank. 

Without you, my life would have been more peaceful, but now I know the true value of peace.

Chris Ball is a gypsy woman who found peace in adventure, and now finds adventure in peace. Environmental conservation featured heavily in her early career, and she now facilitates physical and emotional transformations through peaceful and restorative floatation therapy. Her son is her constant reminder to be slower, better, more aware and more grateful. She is.

A selection from the upcoming Girl God Anthology, Single Mothers Speak on Patriarchy.